Raising Rei
by Chris Oddland
Summary: The ultimate self insertion from hell. What happens when an unwilling fic writer is forced to become the parental figure of Rei Ayanami? And considering the fact that he's a weirdo to boot.
1. The Pit of Self Insertion

Disclaimer: I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion since it's the property of Gainax. _Let's just hope I don't get sued for writing this rubbish._

_  
_Most of you NGE fans have probably heard about the game where you played a character that becomes Rei's guardian and has the responsibility to raise her. Depending on the various actions Rei would develop different personalities and quirks. To be honest with you, readers, I have never played it, since I like most of you have only seen a few screenshots of the game on the internet

Grey Wolf4 gave me a challenge: That I will write a self-insertion fanfic where I'm burdened with burden of raising Rei Ayanami. Witness the horror as a deranged cynical individual with disturbing habits (un)willingly takes the job to raise the First Child and pilot of Eva 00.

* * *

**Raising Rei**

CHAPTER ONE

Punishment: The Pit of Self-Insertion and the Undesirable Job

* * *

"I find you, Chris Oddland, guilty of writing so destructive stories that they threaten the very innocent souls of those reading them. And that you heavily criticize most Slayers fans who love Lina/Xel or Lina/Zel and say that they should be prohibited from bashing Gourry Gabriev and Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun almost every time. And your remark that staunch 'rabid' Archangel/Psylocke fans should get a life since you are against the bashing of Neal Shaara." The subjective judge proclaimed throughout the vast hall.

A massive roar erupted from the mob gathered inside the hall.

"Death to the heathen!"

"Lina/Xel forever! Lina/Xel 4ever!"

"Lina/Zel forever! Lina/Zel 4ever!"

A massive clash of arms erupted between the camps supporting the Lina/Zelgadis pairing and those supporting the Lina/Xellos pairing.

Chris Oddland, the worst fic writer and most arrogant coward on the planet, who was bound like Anthony Hopkins in the film Silence of the Lambs when he played the role of the infamous Hannibal Lecter with a mask-like thingie on the lower part of his face while being bound in a straitjacket and being wheeled around by the guards, was being stressed by the amounts of people inside the building and that the air was getting heavy so that it was hard to concentrate.

"You are hereby sentenced to be thrown into the Pit of Self-Insertion - where you will be entrapped forever. Always being forced to be self-inserted in various realities and never finding peace! "

Chris Oddland shrieked out in horror as he began to shake and struggle to free himself. His eyes filled with unholy terror.

Everyone else cheered as the average-looking and madly struggling condemned was carted away by the guard. The mob followed gleefully on, forgetting their differences as they now would witness the absolute demise of the one they despised with every fibre of their being.

The fic-writer would probably have avoided this terrible doom if only he hadn't announced his new fanfiction idea: Nervtales. A Ducktales and Neon Genesis Evangelion fusion where the Geofront was besieged by the Angel Boys and other Angels were trying to steal Gendo's lucky Angel "Adam" which he kept stored on a pedestal with glass surrounding it while Rei wore blue clothes and a cap, and Asuka wore red clothes and a cap, while Shinji was dressed in purple clothes and a matching purple cap for good measure as well. And having Ryoji Kaji take over the role as Launchpad McQuack.

But he did in his arrogance and foolishness announce this. And this is what happened.

He was wheeled into a dark room with a vast pit in the centre of it. Inside the pit swirled a vast whirlpool of absolute darkness that raged on without meaning.

The judge made the signal. And Chris Oddland was hurled screaming into the darkness…..

* * *

Inside the seemingly bottomless pit time seemed to stand still. Chris Oddland began to titter and giggle in madness since his mind was suffering from the shock which burned his mind with the ferocity of a pig stuffed into a large cannon and fired into the wall of a mountain. Then he felt the tiredness and he slept.

* * *

When he opened his eyes he found himself in a bed inside a rather nice apartment. After shuffling through various things he found a calendar which read: The Year 2014. And through the window he saw a vast city with familiar skyscrapers that he knew could be lowered down into the ground.

"This can't be good!" Chris moaned to himself. Feeling very sorry for himself as usual when he realized where he was trapped. Namely in the Neon Genesis Evangelion universe.

He discovered that random plot device had at least given him an identity in this reality. He was himself as usual since he noted that his name was on his identification papers along with other information. He then picked up a newspaper and suddenly discovered that he through the help of the plot had suddenly learned to understand the writing system in Japan. Somehow the Kanji and Hiragana and some of the rest made sense to him for some odd reason so that the thought of it gave him a headache.

After drinking some ice tea from the fridge he felt much better and lay down on the bed in the bedroom.

He didn't have to be a genius to know that he was in Tokyo 3. A place he would rather stay very far, far away from since the Angel Attacks were quite frequent now and craters seemed to pop up everywhere after each battle, meaning that the maps around the vast city had to be revised many times.

The doorbell suddenly rang. It made him really hate plot devices that were meant to move the plot further. Swearing a bit, he walked over to the door and opened it.

He almost wet himself when he saw three Section 2 agents staring at him through their dark sunglasses.

"You're late for your appointment, Mr. Oddland," one of them said with coolly to him.

"Appointment? What appointment?" Chris Oddland looked at them confused.

"Your appointment with Commander Gendo Ikari of NERV, in case you have forgotten it." The agent bluntly told him. "And you are already three hours late." He added gravely.

Chris Oddland suddenly felt afraid. Very afraid.

* * *

Chris Oddland hesitatingly entered the office of Gendo Ikari slowly. He didn't really bother to look at the strange figures on the ceiling, choosing instead to warily look at the leader of the mysterious organization.

Gendo Ikari was seated by his desk. His hands were in the usual smug, pondering Gendo posture™, making it impossible to read his lips as he ordered him to be seated in an empty chair adjacent to the desk.

"Certain sources recommended your skills for this task I am about to appoint you to." Gendo said coolly, his eyes looking at him in a frightening way.

"Eh…. Wh-What sk-skills?" Chris stuttered in panic.

Gendo ignored him as he continued. "I am appointing you as the official guardian of the First Child and pilot of Evangelion 00: Rei Ayanami."

(This can't be good!) Chris thought in complete panic.

He was right.

* * *

**The horror! The horror!**

To be continued……

_Witness how Chris Oddland tries to spite the plot and get out of this alive!_

_Shudder in horror as he influences and tutors the First Child in many idiotic ways!_

_See what happens when he is forced to raise an albino and vegetarian who, at the first impression, seems as emotionless as a machine!_

_And how will this affect the course of the world when Shinji arrives at the scene and when the Angels rise!_


	2. Teenage Frankenstein

Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion is the property of Gainax. So basically it means that I don't own it. Heh, but it doesn't stop from writing this stuff as long as I'm not being sued.

* * *

**Raising Rei**

_Chapter Two_

Teenage Frankenstein

* * *

It seemed very apparent to Chris Oddland that his punishment fitted the crime in a somewhat logical sort of way.

"What would happen if I tried to leave Tokyo 3 and run away from my responsibility?" he asked Gendo Ikari.

"Then you most certainly would have to face the consequences of your actions, Mr. Oddland. And believe me when I say that you would assuredly won't like what will **befall you** afterwards." Commander Ikari coolly answered, emphasizing heavily on "befall you" to make his point clear to him.

Chris Oddland looked very pale, now knowing that it was inevitable to resist. And he knew that it was Gendo Ikari who ran Tokyo 3 with an iron fist concealed under velvet gloves.

"Eh… When do I start?" Chris looked at Gendo with resignation.

"Today." Gendo simply answered to him. "You are now allowed to leave, Mr. Oddland."

Chris Oddland raised his hand in the air.

"Yes?" Gendo asked him.

"Shouldn't I go pick up the First Child and help her ship all her stuff to my apartment?"

"That won't be necessary," Gendo waved him off, "My men are already in the process of helping the First Child pack her belongings."

"So I suppose I don't have anything to say in this matter?"

"Not really."

Chris could have sworn that he felt that Gendo smiled underneath the cover of his hands.

He felt his blood chill. He always got a bad feeling about things in Neon Genesis Evangelion when Gendo smiled.

Gendo then said: "As I said earlier: you are dismissed."

Chris Oddland left the commander's office. He didn't dare to look back at Gendo, feeling that he looked like a cat playing with a mouse.

* * *

He had been introduced to Dr. Ritsuko Akagi and Captain Misato Katsuragi, as well as the three main bridge technicians Shigeru Aoba, Maya Ibuki and Makoto Hyuga. He had gotten along well enough with the three technicians and Dr. Akagi, but for some instinctive reason he didn't like the Captain.

It wasn't as if she was ugly or unattractive; in fact she was quite the opposite. And she had an alluring charm in her own way as well.

He still didn't like her though. He had also been rude enough to ask why the Commander of all people had hired a notorious drunkard and flirt without any real field experience to coordinate and command the Eva pilots, when he felt that she was overstepping her boundaries when she asked him a question he took very personal.

This of course was clearly an insult from Chris to Misato. And Chris had enough foresight to know that Misato would undergo a court martial if she decided to put a piece of lead between his eyes or kick him in the privates (very hard) while she was on duty.

As he left Misato gave him "the finger" while his back was turned to her.

"Impressive." Ritsuko noted to herself. "He's one of the few who hasn't really been attracted to you in any way."

"Shut up." Grumbled Misato angrily.

"I have a bad feeling about this." Makoto Hyuga commented.

"I think you're right about that Makoto," Shigeru Aoba said.

Maya just shrugged and continued working on her computer.

* * *

Normally Chris Oddland was a polite enough antisocial individual as long as people didn't ask him questions he didn't like.

He was no freaking saint, but he knew how to behave properly enough when situations demanded the display of some slight (minor) form of etiquette.

Running away was out of the question. Gendo would probably have him drowned in LCL when he found him or feed him to Lillith (who was kept crucified) in the basement while being tied up like a roast beef with an apple as a gag in his mouth while Gendo grinned wickedly knowing about his painful demise. He certainly wouldn't want to end up on the menu as Angel fodder after all.

He could always try offing Rei since he knew that Gendo kept several spares of her in supply. And he could he always create more Reis on his cloning assembly line if that was also necessary. Rei I had after all been strangled to death by an enraged Naoko Akagi; and Gendo probably just shrugged, while being glad he was rid of her forever when she killed herself, and got Rei II out of the vat in the cellar after stuffing the first Rei's soul/spirit/whatever into the empty body.

He decided against it since it would cause too much ruckus in the end.

After all how could he explain how Rei accidentally stabbed herself in the back of her head with the bread knife and fell into the bathtub with a plugged-in radio and then broke her neck after consuming a handful of Belladonna?

And if NERV didn't get him, then the Rei fans certainly would.

* * *

Her skin was pale, almost ghostlike. Two crimson orbs stared indifferently at him. He noted that her hair for some reason was of a blue-like colour and short.

"So you're Rei Ayanami?" Chris asked, wondering if he should slam the door in front of her and lock himself up in his apartment until she went away.

"Yes," was the toneless answer coming from Rei.

The albino was holding a suitcase, wearing the school uniform she usually wears. He noted that she was indifferent to him.

That seemed like a good sign at least.

A bunch of men appeared carrying some cardboard boxes that most likely contained the First Child's personal belongings. After having paid them and seeing them leave a Section 2 Agent appeared. Chris remembered that he signed a contract, but had gotten bored with all the words and only read a small fraction of the piece of paper and quickly forgot what it said. He guessed it was the contract that gave him the guardianship of the enigmatic albino or probably something that made him a member of NERV since he got an ID card he could use to access NERV HQ.

(Stupid plot!) Chris thought bitterly as he tucked the card into his wallet. But he guessed the card would be useful if he ever wanted to stride through the sectors which the card allowed him to enter and steal a few useful things from the janitor closets or something like that.

He hadn't wanted the job at all. He would rather get as far away from Tokyo 3 as possible and watch the entire Armageddon sing-a-long occur and grin like the devil himself or hide in a corner and cry out in fear.

* * *

"And this is your room, Rei." Chris said as he showed the albino girl an empty room in the apartment. Only a closet, a small desk and a bed currently occupied the room.

"It hasn't been cleaned." Rei stated as it was clear to her that the room was filled with piles of dust.

"Of course," Chris smiled, "that's what you're here for." He handed her a vacuum cleaner and pranced over to the living room to eat some crispbread smeared with margarine and a few slices of salami.

Rei being simply Rei did as she was told without questioning her strange guardian and began to clean her room.

After the last speck of dust was sucked up by the vacuum cleaner, Rei simply brought all her stuff inside. Her belongings were few, so everything went swiftly without any strain.

Chris was meanwhile lazing off in the living room, reading a book.

He was startled when Rei appeared behind him and said: "I'm done."

"Fine," gasped Chris, suppressing the creepy alien aura Rei emitted through only her presence.

(The penguin would have been better company.) he thought, knowing that the only sound Pen Pen could utter was something sounding like "Wark!" and that he was easy to please if gave him fish or other stuff penguins liked. He certainly didn't know anything about raising the albino girl Gendo had "entrusted" him in a very clear way. Sure he knew some of the important things about raising kids, but he had to admit that he was probably even more incompetent than Misato when it came to the duties of a guardian. At least he was sincere enough about that.

He then uttered a question that suddenly popped up in his mind: "Are you a strict vegetarian, Rei?"

"Yes," the albino answered tonelessly (as usual), "I cannot abide eating animals, birds and fish."

"Is it okay that I eat one of those things in your presence, Miss Ayanami?"

"I can tolerate that." Rei assured him indifferently with the sincerity of a hardwired robot programmed to endure a thing or two while simultaneously obeying every command without question.

Chris had a pained expression on his face as he remembered that Rei had been raised to never question the commander's motives and intentions. Sure he felt a **little** bit sorry for her; that and that he felt **very **sorry for himself for having to put up with her and having to be the parental figure.

The demented Mr. Oddland got the urge to kick the plot in the privates….. again and again and again…..

* * *

Much later Chris Oddland was lazing off again; forgetting that he was supposed to hatch a counterscheme against the plot. He was one of those persons who got easily sidetracked most of the time even if he was desperate to escape this "reality" and return back to where he came from.

His brain suddenly alerted him of the plan he had forgotten.

"What the hell was it I was supposed to do to mess with the Neon Genesis Evangelion universe again?" he said to himself. Luckily Rei didn't hear him since she was doing her homework in her room.

He scratched his head as he tried to form the many bits of memory to a sum reasonable to understand.

After many minutes and after drinking a glass of water, the thought he was struggling to find suddenly popped up in his head.

He smiled an abysmal grin.

* * *

He picked up a few books from his bookshelf and barged in to Rei's room.

"Hi, Rei!" he said. "I thought you might be bored so I wondered if you want something to read."

Rei Ayanami looked up from her textbook as she stared at her guardian. "That won't be necessary," Rei said indifferently.

"Heh, it's your life, Rei," Chris snorted, "It's not up to me to command you or control you life without giving you some freedom to make your own choices." As he finished his sentence he dumped the books on Rei's desk.

He looked at her with a serious look. "I'm not going to force you to read them if you don't want to, but I recommend that you at least look up some parts in some of them."

Chris still couldn't read any clear emotions on the albino's face as she stared at him. He turned his sight away from her, unable to meet her stare any longer and walked out of the room. There was something about her presence and personality that scared him. To many, Rei could be compared with a pale ghost walking the earth. Aloof and enigmatic, as if she stood apart from the rest of humanity.

(Let the corruption begin!) he thought evilly as a silent obscene tittering came from his lips.

* * *

Rei Ayanami stared at the books. She was unused to such behaviour from people. Early on, after exiting the cloning vat, leaving her literally "braindead" fellow Reis, she had learned quickly to follow any orders given to her whether it came from the commander himself, Captain Katsuragi or Dr. Akagi.

This man named Chris Oddland was a strange and unusual character, she concluded.

It wasn't as if she never liked reading books. She never really felt any to need to read anything except her school books when it was required to.

This stirred the tiny feeling we know as curiosity within her. Normally she would have suppressed her curiosity like the other feelings she had, like the vast emptiness she felt within.

She picked one of the up and began to read a bit.

* * *

Chris didn't feel any guilt whatsoever over letting Rei read books which criticized society, the abuse of power, and authority in general. He felt that Rei needed to learn some critical thinking. He wondered how much chaos he would cause in the continuity of this reality if he taught Rei some form of morality and make her question things like power and how it should be put to use.

He had no illusions. This entire mess was humanity's own fault. If not some SEELE controlled drone hadn't awakened Adam in Antarctica, then some curious moron would have instead, wondering what would happen if he or she woke the thing up.

In a sense Yui Ikari and her spouse Gendo were SEELE's accomplices in opening the gate to hell by playing gods. Yui and Gendo probably knew what would happen when Second Impact occurred in the South Pole, melting the polar ice caps and drowning parts of the world. Billions of lives perished as the consequence of this self-destructive decision. Anarchy and chaos erupted as well as numerous wars during the aftermath.

Not really his problem though. He sure didn't want to play the saviour. He had enough problems trying to save his own skin and escape back to his own world where he could finish Nervtales and unleash it upon the innocent masses and see what would happen.

* * *

While there were many parts of the book which she clearly disliked, a few topics made sense to her.

She began to think thoughts that she never had thought before.

Cynical, dark thoughts coupled with a large dose of scepticism towards everything.

* * *

The wicked Chris Oddland knew that this would take time before Rei was completely transformed into the ultimate anti-Rei.

While he still had some compassion left in him, and that his suppressed conscience was probably screaming bloody murder, he knew that in a way he was both helping Rei, in his own way, and disrupt the plot at the same time.

If only he had been self-inserted into the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Then he at least could "try" singing along in the songs Hot Patootie and the Time Warp, even if his singing could drive others to utter madness with the non-pleasant sounds coming from his throat.

He simply shrugged, sat down on the couch again and began reading one of the Clone Wars TPBs published by Dark Horse Comics. The fourth Volume to be exact. He was simply re-reading one of his favourite parts where the Twi'lek Jedi Knight Aayla Secura faces the notorious bounty hunter and Jedi Killer Aurra Sing.

* * *

_What more idiocy will come as a result of this cynical maniac's actions?_

_Will the plot ever recover?_

_Will the author's own stupidity and arrogance be his own downfall?_

_Will Rei become so out of character that it all ends in chaos?_

_Will Chris Oddland run away like the wise coward he is?_

_Will this fanfic ever make any sense? Not really…_


	3. Give the Kid a Break

Disclaimer: I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion. Gainax does. And I certainly hope they don't sue my pants off for writing this outrageous piece of fanfiction. And yes, Rei Ayanami will be extremely out of character. Hehehehehehe!

* * *

And now: _yet a preposterous parody by the demented fic writer Chris Oddland_.

**Raising Rei**

_Chapter 3_

__Give the kid a break

"So how do you like the vegetable soup, Ms. Ayanami?"

The albino girl looked up at the other person occupying the dinner table with her, her empty spoon in mid air as it was about to plunge into the warm soup in the simple bowl in front of her.

"It was eatable." Rei said simply as she reached for the salt and pepper shakers. "It just needs a little more taste."

It had been harder to make her eat the tomato soup yesterday, because she had an aversion to the colour red. (That's why she probably couldn't stand Asuka, who paraded around in a red Evangelion, wore a red plugsuit…. And had red hair.)

"How was school?"

"As usual." The albino shrugged simply with the indifference of a person about to being stampeded by an elephant who suddenly snapped when a crazed escapee from the madhouse attempted to remove its toenail with a staple remover (he never got that far since the elephant literally sat on him, squishing him into something resembling a gooey-like paste).

"I take it that it was dull as usual?"

"Something like that," she answered. "Except it seems that the teacher staff has finally given up on the demands that Suzuhara should wear the designated school uniforms." She added nonchalantly.

"Wouldn't surprise me." Chris Oddland answered smugly as if he knew something most people didn't know. (Considering that most of the class she's in are prime cannon fodder for steering Gendo's wind-up toys, if necessary.)

It was quite amusing that the highest-ranking NERV officials had managed, through subtle manipulations, to concentrate a number of post-Second Impact teenagers into a school secretly under the control of NERV in order to have a reserve of potential Evangelion pilots ready for usage. Dr. Ritsuko Akagi was probably monitoring them at times, sorting out the most promising of them and thereafter store those vital pieces of data in the supercomputer MAGI. The Marduk Institute was therefore a nice cover and excuse for picking up said candidates without telling that they stuffed many potentials in school to keep a somewhat large spare supply of Eva pilots, and keeping away the suspicion that something really fishy was going on.

"What about that Aida chap?" Chris asked, trying to sound as innocent as usual.

"Class representative Horaki scolded Aida heavily and confiscated his video camera for filming the other girls in the women's shower." Rei commented and began to drink from her glass of water. "Saying something about someday sticking a sharpened bamboo stick up his nose the next time she catches him red-handed," she added humorously.

"And what would you have done in her place?"

"Tried to see how far I could throw him with Eva 00 or possibly kick him to the moon, but I wouldn't have liked scraping his remains from the foot of my Eva anyway."

"I always thought I could bring out the devil in you, child." The man chuckled sinisterly as he took a drink from his own glass of water.

"Careful what you wish for, comedian," Rei said, "you may have gotten more than you bargained for."

"Aye!"

* * *

"I swear to you that something is definitely wrong with that guy!" Misato said to the rest of the crew in the main bridge of NERV HQ.

"You mean Mr. Oddland? He's usually polite enough to me." Makoto Hyuga answered as he looked up from his monitors. "As long as I don't ask too many questions."

Shigeru Aoba did not stop playing his guitar while he said: "He sometimes likes to listen to me play my guitar. He admits that he's a sour grouch, but he's polite enough to most of us, except you."

"You could almost say that it was hate on first sight," Maya Ibuki commented in a light humoristic tone. "He can barely tolerate Dr. Akagi these days, but seems to hate you even more."

"Isn't his nickname for you '**Beer**sato', the utterly fake military officer who couldn't command a platoon even if it meant her life?" Shigeru asked.

Misato eyebrows twitched a little as she began to grit her teeth in livid anger. (That little punk of a gaijin is going to pay one of these days!)

The entry doors hissed and opened and Ritsuko Akagi entered the room, a calm, neutral look on her face as usual.

"Did I miss something?" she asked.

"Apart from the captain complaining about Rei's guardian - not much." Maya answered to her superior.

"I should have known that?" Dr. Akagi sighed, "He's not exactly what you would call the perfect 'role model' for the First Child." Her mouth and eyes had a sour look on her face as she continued, "It seems that some of his influence has been rubbing off on Rei."

"No kidding," Misato responded sarcastically.

"She's started complaining that her plugsuit is **too** tight for comfort and that it looks like it has been sketched by an utter pervert without any rational knowledge how military clothing should look like. She also muttered something about stuffing the designer into the plugsuit to make him see her point. The synchronization hair clips she can live with at least."

"Rei? Complaining?" It seems like the world is about to end." Misato said with a worried thoughtful look in her eyes.

"C'mon! He's not that bad!" Hyuga interrupted them. "At least Rei's not acting much like a robot all the time."

"Like when I asked her how she was doing during that synchronization test and that she told me to try sitting in a giant cylinder with a skintight uncomfortable suit being pumped full of orange goo and experience the psychedelic special effects like she does before I ask her that again, ever." Ritsuko said with a small amused smile on her face.

* * *

In the apartment of the entity given the name Chris Oddland, two of the residents residing in it began suddenly to sneeze in an anime-like fashion.

"I hate it when all the dust makes me do that," Chris said irritatedly to himself.

"Me too," Rei added acidly while rubbing her nose and face with a tissue, "To bad a certain someone doesn't clean this place very often since he is a lazy good-for-nothing person, I might add."

"That's what you albino protégés are for, my dear," Chris interjected sardonically and smiled viciously like a shark about to being fed a nice plumpy human being for dinner.

"You forget, my mentor, that I on the other hand can steer a giant robot and can therefore lock you in a car and proceed to play around with said car with my Evangelion like a child playing with toy cars. And I like playing lethal car accidents, if you must know." Rei responded with an equally vicious smile.

"Unfortunately for you, you will never see me out on the streets during an Angel attack since I will make like a cockroach and creep into whatever crack that can house me." Chris commented with a certain smirk.

"A pity," Rei said to him with an amused smile. "But I can imagine you as a pitiful cockroach after all."

"At least I'm not the teenager who wears a skintight rubber costume that makes you look like a pin up action figure, Rei." Chris commented.

Rei had a sour look on her face as she said: "Must you always taunt me with that fact every day?"

"It helps improve my ego," he answered sincerely.

"Like acting like a smug, bloody smart-aleck?" she asked acidly.

Chris frowned: "I think I liked you more when you were acting like an emotionless robot from a cheap science fiction movie from the 30s."

"And whose fault is it that I'm not acting like before?" Rei pointed out, the fact being as transparent as glass.

"The commander - since he gave me this assignment."

Rei blinked a bit, thinking things somewhat over and then commenting: "Good point."

"If I only had been self-inserted as Ming, ruler of the planet Mongo," Chris mumbled pitifully to himself, "then I could have the time of my life laughing insanely and making spectacular super weapons that would make even Flash Gordon's boots quake with mindshattering fear."

"What was that you say?" Rei asked sarcastically, "That you want to be the ruler of a giant mango?"

"Shut up!"

* * *

"Are you sure you know what you're doing, Ikari?" the second-in-command of Nerv - vice commander Kozo Fuyutsuki asked his superior officer. "By letting that madman endanger the whole Human Instrumentality Project with his travesty of how to raise a child?"

"Do not worry, Fuyutsuki," Gendo answered as he straightened his orange-tinted glasses with a cold impassionate demeanour, "The boy's actions will not endanger our plans for the time being."

"You're only prolonging the inevitable," the vice commander muttered sourly. "Sooner or later he will come in your way."

Gendo looked at him coolly and said: "I have assured you on countless discussions regarding the topic that he is not a threat to NERV."

"So you say?" huffed Fuyutsuki, "even if you've seen what he's been doing to Rei all the time."

"Ah, yes. You're referring to his social experiment, I take it?"

"More like a mad scientist reading the manual of how to make a monster the way I see it."

"Just because Rei's suddenly gotten a fondness for listening to Danzig doesn't make her an ogre, vice-commander."

* * *

"I'm heading over to the Geofront." Rei said simply to her guardian.

"Krav Maga lessons again?" Chris asked without looking away from the comic he was currently reading.

"Yes, the combat instructors in Section Two agreed with your filed request to give me basic combat training in preparation for my duty as an Evangelion pilot. The red-eyed girl answered.

"I found it pretty strange that Gendo didn't have you trained a few years earlier, since you're one of the only things who pretty much stand between us and oblivion by Third Impact. At least now you're learning to handle small arms, rifles and knife fighting." Chris commented.

"I pretty much prefer the sniper training." The albino replied. "Imagine Nerv ever being desperate enough to send an **untrained suddenly recruited conscript** into battle?" She then continued mockingly while spreading her arms out in faux emphasis.

Chris Oddland suddenly chuckled evilly.

"What so funny?" Rei looked at him inquisitorially.

"Nothing! Just a private joke!" Chris lied with a smug smile which simply screamed of "I-know-something-but-I'm-not-telling! HAHAHA!"

"Whatever," Rei simply shrugged and left.

(Weirdo!) she thought irritated.

* * *

The many passengers on the train paid no heed to red-eyed, blur-haired albino who simply sat there quietly singing various lyrics from songs sung by Danzig. Normally she would've been wearing the standard issue school uniform, since she didn't bother much with clothes and fashion, but due to the manipulations of her guardian, she instead wore simple grey pants, a denim jacket and a simple white t-shirt. Her pair of shoes was still the same though.

"………..of my life……. Show me how the gods kill……"

In a Rei-fashion, she still paid no heed to the other passengers.

…….After all…. Rei's still a little bit Rei…… Pure and simple……

* * *

Chris Oddland was doing what he enjoyed most (as usual). Simply lazing off and sleeping, dreaming happy thoughts about blowing up the Earth in a Marvin the Martian fashion, simply because it was in his way of stargazing. Too bad this happy dream turned into a nightmare when GIR the robot servant of the Irken Invader Zim appeared, messing up everything.

The worst part was when he dreamed about getting married to Misato Katsuragi - and he woke up screaming in unholy terror as they were about to cut the beer can-formed wedding cake.

* * *

Rei was beginning to get the hang of things. While being certain that she never would be a true master of Krav Maga, she knew that the basics of it as well as knowledge of some of the advanced techniques.

She still disliked being subdued and beaten most of the time.

"You're doing fine, kid," said the Section 2 combat instructor.

Her sparring partner said in an amused voice, "At least it's fun in a wicked kind of way to be beating up a kid like you. Sorry if I threw ya too hard, girlie."

Rei at least understood that the man was trying to be funny, as she nursed her aching head. The blue tracksuit she was wearing at least didn't hamper any arm and leg movement at least, but she knew that the older man was more experienced than her.

The Section 2 agent reached out his arm with an open hand, "Need some help?" he asked.

"I don't mind," replied the albino in a semi-toneless voice as she reached out and took his hand. She knew she could in fact have raised herself from the ground without any help, but her guardian had told her that accepting common courtesy as people called it would help her interact better with people. But she didn't see her guardian as the most stable person around. If he was stable at all.

* * *

Meanwhile Chris Oddland was singing rather badly, singing along to music of his mp3 player. What he was singing along to was the Rocket Riot theme song.

Strolling through the streets of Tokyo 3 he was rather oblivious to the grimaces of pain among many people, except the deaf ones that is.

* * *

"Thank god for handy plot devices." Chris muttered to himself in the Tokyo 3 library. Most of the time he had a strong aversion to plot devices since they use to be bad news. With the ability to read kanji, hiragana and all that the Japanese tend to use in their writing system, he could crash down in the library in a secluded corner and read to his heart's content.

* * *

The albino Asian known to most of us Evangelion fans as Ayanami Rei was humming Monster Mash sung by the Misfits.

"He did the mash... He did the monster mash... The monster mash ...It was a graveyard smash... He did the mash.... It caught on in a flash... He did the mash... He did the monster mash..." Rei made a cheerful twirl in an out of character manner.

The other pedestrians listened to their gut feeling not bother with the strange teenager.

She did after all sport a black eye and did lose a tooth after the training accident – not that getting a dental implant wasn't a problem. She did after all get even with her sparring partner; breaking a rib and dislocating the man's jaw in a reflexive display of anger after her tooth went flying. The scary part was that she still retained her alien sense of calm as she did so.

One of the agents suggested calling her the White Wolf after a fictional albino character who caused death and destruction in his wake with his soul-drinking black sword with runes covering it and finally brought the end of the world.

Well she didn't have any Stormbringer to wield, but her ability to synchronize with both the prototype model 00 and the radically designed intermediate model 01 would make her a formidable force in the world when she finally mastered it and finally acknowledge her position as the First Child, the first person to tame and master the beings that would soon be known worldwide as Evangelion.

* * *

Moments later a fleeing Chris Oddland was seen storming out of the library, followed by an angry mob of otakus hot on his heels, after having put all the most tasteless and revolting h-related manga he could get his hands on into the shredder someone had been so nice to put in the Tokyo 3 library.

Chris of course was shrieking and screaming in panic as he ran for his life. When he in a stroke of luck found an abandoned shopping cart he managed on a mad impulse flashing through the mental crevices of his mind to grab it by the handlebars and rushed through sheer adrenaline towards a downward slope. As he reached the slope he jumped into the shopping cart. As the improvised escape vehicle started rolling downwards Chris suddenly realized his mistake and began screaming as if someone was strongly massaging his back with rough sandpaper.

That is until he crashed into an automobile after the shopping cart swung out from the walkway and into the driveway. Fortunately instead of ending up as a disabled cripple for the rest of his life or dead he fell into something soft which cushioned him mostly from impact. Recovering he then discovered that what had saved him was a giant plushie figure of King from the anime Nadia and the Secret of Blue Water by Gainax.

"Is it me or does fate have a sense of irony?" he groaned.

A maddened cry of outrage erupted from the throat of someone. That was all Chris needed to bolt on reflex as the driver of the totalled car came at him with a two-by-four, followed by the angry mob.

* * *

Moments later the blood-crazed mob was prowling far and wide for a certain person who was responsible for a lot of that they disliked. Most of them were growling and grinding their teeth in anger and frustration, for their quarry had disappeared after he had managed to shake them off a few blocks away. They harshly questioned bypassing people, demanding to know where he went, but it was revealed that none of them knew anything or had seen anyone matching that description.

Rei Ayanami who had arrived in the background, looked puzzled over what she saw. And she was about to leave when a voice close to her suddenly whispered:

"Pssst... Pssst... Rei... Come over here!..."

Turning to her right she saw a large metal trash can with a lid on it. When she drew closer the lid was lifted up slightly and she beheld the face of her guardian.

"Why are you hiding in a trash can?" Rei asked.

"Don't ask!" groaned Chris and stuck his head down again.

"Let me guess: You're the one they're after." Rei concluded then.

"Bingo!" the voice came out of the trash can. "Could you please help me out here?"

"Just let me make a call..." Rei said and reached for her mobile phone.

* * *

No one asked any questions when a squad of Section 2 agents arrived on the scene in a pick-up truck and hoisted a large trash-can in the back and then drove off. Some things were better left unquestioned to the populace of Tokyo 3, considering that these people looked menacing and probably very capable of disposing of anyone who got in their way.

* * *

"Why are you here?" Chris glared menacingly at the captain standing in the entry of his apartment, looking as he had just taken a shower from the look of his wet hair and the smell of too much shampoo.

"Just an inspection of Rei's living conditions." Misato Katsuragi stated.

"Out!" Chris growled and pointed out to the hallway.

"I outrank you, you know," captain Katsuragi pointed out in a voice that clearly seemed to annoy the guardian of Rei.

"Do I look as if I care?" Chris remarked giving the look that he was not impressed by her performance.

"Considering the gravity of your situation here, I think you should." Misato stared hardly at him.

"Jesus Christ! Can't you just send me a Section Two to inspect my place! They I can stand – you I cannot!" Chris groaned pitifully.

The captain then took the opportunity to peek behind him and saw something quite out of place.

"What's that giant trash can doing in the living room?" Misato gave a confused look as if trying to understand the weirdness of it.

"I like it!" was the sarcastic reply she got. "Now off with you!"

"You can't do this!" Misato protested vehemently.

"There's always a first time, captain!" Chris smiled viciously as the door closed. He then ignored the strong banging on the door as he secured the extra locks he had installed on the door a few days earlier.

"Who was it?" Rei asked as she came from her room holding a comic book.

"The captain." Chris replied

"What did she want?" Rei then said as she discovered that someone was banging on the front door and screaming obscenities.

"Nothing." Chris said and went to his own room to get some sleep.

* * *

_A totally useless fic writer with no significant power to speak of._

_A blue-haired albino who probably should've gotten a saner guardian._

_A plot that seems to be going nowhere as of yet._

_What will happen further?_


End file.
